mid-night introspection

“You really have to just explode onto the scene.”

“Step it up.”

“Please consider…”

“Do it… Just do it…”

I feel like I have a calling. Or do I? Is this something that I’ve just conjured up in my self-centered ways? …To me, cell group leading is risky business-with no middle ground; you either make it, or break it. I’m being held back, and the only way to move forward is to free myself of the traps I’ve laid.

I guess one of my biggest fears is that I’m not needed by others, not in the sense that I want to be popular and with the ‘in-crowd,’ but simply because I feel like so much more of a person when I’m giving and helping others. I’ve never been one to excel at school or have extraordinary musical talent. Heck, the only thing I’m able to draw to save my life is a stick woman holding a balloon. Ringette was maybe the one thing I could claim, but I don’t even play anymore. I know I’ve been doing a lot of comparing, and yes…we’ve all heard that it’s not good, that there’s no point in doing so, but we all do it anyways. I feel like I have nothing to offer, and no matter how hard I try, I will always fall short or come behind somebody else. What’s my worth?

Basically: I’m insecure.

Beyond the silly grin, perpetual jokes, and sweatpants is another viv. She is introverted, easily intimidated, and is just dandy living in the background. And yes, it took me eighteen years and seven months to realize it, and now I’m sharing it with the world. I’ve always pushed all thoughts of insecurity to the back of my head and covered it up by busying myself, but today, it decided to rear it’s ugly head.

Which led me to thinking…the second greatest commandment is to ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ But how could I love others if I didn’t love myself? I thought I had it right all along, that I was loving others, through both my actions and my words. I even thought for awhile that I was spreading myself too thin by trying to everyone’s “super friend.” Only now do I now realize where I’ve totally slipped the cracks. If I’ve been loving my friends as I have been myself, then I’m sorry because I haven’t been doing a very good job. Without loving God and myself, my words and actions are just that: words and actions. There is no depth to it, no heart, no real meaning. Which is why I’m in this boat with regards to being a CGL. I don’t want to screw up. I feel as though I’m unprepared. I have to serve with my whole heart, in humility, out of obedience, not of obligation.

Thank you, friend, for making me see and reminding once again today that we as humans aren’t of any worth, and indeed it is only through God that we are able to do anything- and that’s the beauty of it. Through our weaknesses His power is made perfect. All the external elements: school, work, musical talents, abilities to burp on command… are only tools that we use to justify our behaviours and ourselves. In the grand scheme of things, none of these things matter. It's going to be hard, really knowing and applying these things that came out of my mouth. or fingers. or whatever.

I feel as though I need to take this leap of faith. Now where I did put those shoes that would give me that extra oomph... Heart… where are you?